What to say in a first message on a dating app
Your first message on a dating app is important. It can help you start a good conversation or not. A kind opener shows you noticed details about them. Messages made just for them can make people 80% happier. Women get replies 50% of the time, but men only 21%. So, why not be different?
Key Takeaways
- Make your first message personal by noting something in their profile. This shows interest and makes a reply more likely.
- Add humor to make your message stand out. A silly question can catch their eye and make things fun.
- Ask questions that need longer answers to start a good chat. This helps them share more and keeps the talk going.
Why the First Message Matters
Starting the conversation right
Your first message sets the mood for chatting. Think of it like the first scene in a movie—it grabs attention and makes them want to reply. A friendly and fun tone can really help. Instead of just saying “Hi,” try something more thoughtful. Mention something from their profile or ask a fun question. Studies show unique messages get better replies and lead to better chats. So, take a moment to plan what you’ll say and how it sounds.
Getting noticed in a busy app
Dating apps are full of messages, so standing out is tough. Many people get lots of messages every day, and boring ones might be ignored. To get noticed, be creative and personal. Talk about something from their profile, like a hobby or cool picture. A study of 70,000 users found that personal messages get more replies. By showing you paid attention, you’re more likely to start a real chat.
Showing real interest and effort
People like it when you show you care. A thoughtful message can make someone feel special and happy to reply. Ask questions that let them share more about themselves. For example, if they love hiking, you could ask, “What’s your favorite trail you’ve hiked?” This shows you’re curious and willing to try. Apps like Keepler found that being kind and welcoming helps people talk better. When you’re warm and sincere, you build a real connection.
What to Avoid in Your First Message
Saying just “Hey” or “What’s up?”
Starting with “Hey” or “What’s up?” is too plain. These greetings don’t stand out or invite a reply. Think about it—how would you answer “Hey”? Probably with another boring response. That won’t lead to a good chat.
“At least say something better than just, ‘Hey,’” says Shan Boodram, Bumble’s expert on relationships.
Messages like this seem lazy. Many women say these openers remind them of the “Hey Guy” stereotype—someone who sends the same dull message to everyone. Instead, write something personal. It shows effort and makes a reply more likely.
Being too flirty or inappropriate
Starting with flirty or rude comments is a bad idea. These messages can make people feel awkward and are often ignored. Your goal is to be friendly, not make someone uncomfortable. Keep your tone kind and fun. A little humor or curiosity works better.
Sending the same message to everyone
Copying and pasting messages might save time, but it doesn’t work. People notice when a message feels generic. Surveys show people like messages that mention their profile or ask specific questions. Copy-paste messages feel cold and get fewer replies. Instead, write something unique for each person. It doesn’t have to be long—just show you noticed their interests.
Talking only about yourself
If you only talk about yourself, you might seem selfish. Focus on the other person instead. Look at their profile and ask about something they like. For example, if they love photography, you could say, “Your pictures are awesome! What do you like to photograph most?” This shows you’re interested and makes starting a real chat easier.
Key Principles for Crafting the Perfect First Message
Personalization: Mentioning their profile or hobbies
Making your message personal helps it stand out. Instead of saying “Hi,” talk about something from their profile. Do they enjoy hiking? Ask about their favorite trail. Is there a picture with a dog? Compliment the dog and ask its name. These small touches show you noticed them, making your message special.
Tip: Personalized messages can make people reply more often. For example, replies increased from 30% to 50% when messages were personal.
Studies also show that matching based on shared interests raised matches by 25%. This proves talking about common hobbies builds better connections.
Humor: Adding fun to start the chat
A little joke can make your message unforgettable. Funny or playful comments can grab attention and make them smile. If their profile mentions pizza, you could ask, “Pineapple on pizza: yes or no? This is serious!”
Research on Tinder found women replied 12% more to funny messages. Humor makes your message stand out and keeps things light.
Just keep jokes simple and avoid anything rude or too sarcastic.
Open-ended questions: Starting a real conversation
Open-ended questions help the other person share more. They make chatting easier and more interesting. Instead of asking, “Do you like traveling?” try, “What’s the coolest place you’ve visited?” This shows you’re curious and want to know more.
- Open-ended questions are great for starting chats. They show interest and make connecting easier.
- A study of 1,700 Tinder messages showed these questions got more replies.
By asking questions that need longer answers, you create better conversations.
Keeping it short and clear
Your first message doesn’t need to be long. Keep it short and easy to reply to. A short message shows confidence and makes chatting simple. For example, “You love photography—what’s your favorite thing to photograph?” is short but still personal.
Pro Tip: Think of your first message like meeting someone new. Be kind, clear, and leave space for the chat to grow.
By staying focused and simple, you’ll make a great first impression without overdoing it.
Examples of Great First Messages
Funny: “You love pizza! What’s your favorite topping? Is it pineapple?”
Using humor is a great way to start talking. A fun question like this shows you’re easygoing and cheerful. Plus, who doesn’t smile when pizza is mentioned? Studies show women reply 12% more to funny messages than serious ones. Humor makes your message unique and sets a happy tone. Just keep it kind and avoid jokes that might confuse them.
Flirty: “I thought of a clever line, but your smile wins!”
A little flirting can work well if done nicely. This message is sweet without being too much. It praises their smile and shows you’re interested. Research on Tinder says flirty and funny messages get more replies, especially for men. But don’t use compliments that seem rude. Be honest and polite to leave a good impression.
Direct: “Hi [Name], I saw you like hiking. What’s your favorite trail?”
Sometimes, being simple is the best choice. This message shows you read their profile and care about their hobbies. Asking about hiking gets them to share something they enjoy. Personal and open-ended questions like this make chats more fun. It’s easy but works well.
Thoughtful: “I noticed you love [hobby/interest]. How did you start doing it?”
Thoughtful messages show you’re paying attention to details. Instead of asking plain questions, try saying something special. For example, asking how they started a hobby lets them tell their story. This feels personal and helps you connect better. Writing about their interests shows you really want to know them.
How to Keep the Conversation Going
Responding to their answers with curiosity
When someone replies to your message, show genuine interest in what they’ve shared. Ask follow-up questions that encourage them to talk more about their experiences or passions. For example, if they mention loving photography, you could say, “That’s awesome! What’s the most memorable photo you’ve ever taken?” This keeps the conversation flowing and shows you’re paying attention.
Tip: Use humor or light-hearted debates to keep things fun. For instance, if they mention loving pizza, ask, “Okay, serious question—thin crust or deep dish?” Playful questions like this make chatting feel natural and enjoyable.
Sharing a bit about yourself to build rapport
Conversations are a two-way street. While it’s great to ask questions, don’t forget to share a little about yourself too. Mentioning shared interests can create a stronger connection. For example, if they love hiking, you might say, “I’m a big fan of hiking too! Have you ever tried the Lost Coast Trail? It’s my favorite.” Sharing personal experiences makes the chat feel more balanced and relatable.
Example: “I see you’re a guitarist! I play bass—we should jam sometime!” This not only shows interest but also opens the door for a fun, engaging topic.
Avoiding one-word replies to maintain the flow
Nothing kills a conversation faster than a one-word reply. If they ask you a question, give a thoughtful answer and add something they can respond to. For instance, instead of just saying “Yes” when asked if you like traveling, try, “Yes, I love it! My favorite trip was to Italy—have you ever been?” This keeps the dialogue alive and interesting.
Knowing when to suggest moving the conversation off the app
Once the conversation feels natural and engaging, it might be time to take things to the next level. Suggest moving to a more personal platform, like exchanging phone numbers or connecting on social media. You could say, “I’m really enjoying our chat! Would you like to continue this over text?” Keep it casual and respectful. If they’re interested, they’ll appreciate the suggestion.
Pro Tip: Timing is key. Wait until you’ve built a good rapport before suggesting this step. Rushing can make the other person feel uncomfortable.
Writing a good first message on a dating app is simple. Be yourself, creative, and show real interest in them. Studies say personal messages stand out more and leave a mark.
- Fun and unique openers grab attention.
- Showing you noticed their profile makes them feel special.
- Asking a kind question keeps the chat going.
Susan Fiske’s studies show that being friendly and confident impresses others. Add a question to make your message unforgettable.
A little thought and courage can make a big difference. Take your time, stay true to yourself, and start chatting with meaning!
FAQ
How long should my first message be?
Keep it short and sweet—1-2 sentences work best. Focus on being personal and engaging rather than writing a long paragraph.
What if they don’t reply to my message?
Don’t stress! People get busy or distracted. If they don’t respond, move on and keep trying with other matches.
Tip: Stay positive and don’t take it personally.
Can I use emojis in my first message?
Absolutely! Emojis can add personality and make your message more fun. Just don’t overdo it—one or two is enough to keep it playful. 😊
